Why A Broken Fridge Was The Beginning of My Pandemic Unraveling
Let’s be clear, there are worse things than a broken fridge - I understand! After all, we are in the midst of a global pandemic and everyone is doing what they can to stay sane.
Become a sourdough starter expert - sure, go for it!
Commit to never wearing jeans again - more power to ya!
Find comfort in controlling... - nope, try again!
My controlling default has knocked me on my ass over and over, yet here I am hoping I’m not the only one learning, growing & trying to do better.
Okay, so the fridge. Broken. Something to do with a compressor, a panel and a pool of water below the fridge, I wasn’t fully listening to be honest. I threw a few liquids away to be responsible. And as the hours went by, it was clear this wasn’t going to be a quick fix. We got a cooler and iced up what we could, and the rest...I had to say a tearful goodbye.
This actually sounds way more graceful than how it went down.
I heard ‘end of next week’ and lost it. Yes, that’s almost TWO WEEKS without a fridge with a replacement cooler that fits a six pack. That is more than a few fun meals via UberEats. That’s too many days, too many meals, and you better believe there were tears. Not an ugly cry, but enough. I dramatically tossed my Whole Foods paycheck into the garbage with sniffles, sighs and expletives. I dramatically waved my hand over the fridge and exclaimed, ‘I don’t like this! I’m uncomfortable with all of this!’ That was me being calm and feeling proud that I had even voiced what the tears were about. Hindsight - I’ve had prouder moments. Bless the man I live with, bless him to finish the garbage haul.
If you have had food struggles, food obsession, or an emotional relationship with food - you may understand it wasn’t about the food waste. The fridge had become my bunker for this pandemic. For some, fridge perusing may be an escape. For others, it may be a source of anxiety. For me, I had stepped through the food fear to what I labeled pandemic preparation.
This ‘preparation’ looked like carefully stocked ‘safe’ and ‘approved’ items, random one-off ingredients for the Half Baked Harvest recipes, some f*cking vegan mayo that non-pandemic Colleen knows is nonsense, but here we are! Preparation aside, I had lost control, lost my safety net and lost perspective. But if anyone were to ask how I was doing, ‘I’m fine,’ head tilt and soft smile. When perspectives are lost, emotions run high or stories are created in my head, I will eventually ask myself what is fact and what is feeling? Trust me, I’ll revisit this again and again.
The fact is - this isn’t a big deal in the grand scheme of things, I know this.
But in that moment & hours to follow, I had to go through all the fucked up, insecure, neurotic and emotional feelings to get clear headed on the facts and next steps.
‘I can’t eat out this much, it’s unhealthy’
‘If I can’t have my daily xyz, then I won’t poop for days!’
‘I have to buy all new shit, this is so expensive!’
‘I’m so dumb for buying all this food’
‘We should start composting, this is so wasteful’
‘It’s embarrassing you’re this upset, stop it.’
This is just a taste of my FINE (f*cked up, insecure, neurotic & emotional) dialogue and what ran through my head. Perhaps you can relate to those FINE spirals, they are exhausting!
So, what now? I have to be honest that coming up with a plan of action and checking things off a list is my superpower or it’s my control nature sneaking in....I’ll call it a superpower. It’s not sexy, but it’s effective & I just need to get through feeling FINE to know what’s next. What does this look like? Sometimes it’s a walk to ground myself and get perspective. Sometimes it’s a venting session with a girlfriend or a panic phone call to my mom. Listening to ‘Back in My Body’ by Maggie Rogers has had a surprise success rate. And once enough time has passed, I can usually find some humor in my drama – usually.
The fact is I am okay.
This didn’t happen to me, and maybe this damn broken fridge happened for me.
Maybe in some twisted way or really obvious way, I needed to learn what every 6-year-old dressed up as Elsa sings aloud - LET IT GO!
I wish food issues & negative self-talk had a happy ending like Disney movies. Unfortunately, I have found my path to be a long ass Halloween franchise. I haven’t seen any of these movies, but feels like it would be accurate.
Let’s be clear, if someone were to tell me - LET IT GO - you would have seen a FINE meltdown! I needed to get there on my own, go through the feelings & not short circuit the process.
We don’t have to have the same storyline to have the same fucked up, insecure, neurotic & emotional feelings around food.
I’m curious what your broken fridge moment may have been during this pandemic – I’m here for it ;) Comment below if you’re struggling, in the middle part of the movie & feeling FINE because you’re not alone, trust me!
Big Love xoxo!